I also write totally cool and uplifting self affirmations. Like “Hey porkster, you don’t need that extra cupcake, fatass.” They work surprisingly well, I might add.
Disclaimer: I wrote this last night but fell asleep before I remembered to hit “Publish.” I do NOT drink fizzy gin cocktails in the morning, unless it’s before a job interview or jury duty. Thank you.
- On the flight back home, I thought out loud how weird it was that I didn’t have even one incident of an upset stomach during the entire trip. The non-BF said, “It’s because you’re stressed out 24/7 when you’re at home.” When I told my mom what he said, she had to agree. I didn’t realize it but I guess it’s true. I also slept like a freaking dog during the trip. Kinda nice to get eight hours. Doubt I’ll know what that is like again until my next trip.
- New Dog got his nuts cut while I was out of town. I came home sort of expecting him to be pissed off, or to at least piss on me, but he seems fine. Except for the fact that he is humping everything that doesn’t move. WTH? I thought they lost that urge when they got fixed. Right now, New Dog is humping Wormy Kitty’s bed. And Wormy Kitty’s eyeing my fizzy gin drink. This place is a zoo.
- After six days in Central America, I no longer have muffin tops. Nope, they are full-fledged banana nut bread loaves hanging out above my waistband. If I stay up too late tonight, I just may be tempted to purchase Chuck Norris’ gym.
- New Dog is rather clingy. And by clingy, I mean that I cannot move an inch for this dog following me. I totally understand that he thinks I might dump him, too, like his piece of raw rotting shit previous owners did, but jeez, I don’t want to step on the little guy. I give it six weeks and he’ll be bitch-slapping Wormy Kitty into shape. I hope.
- Speaking of that incorrigible kitten, she likes to hide behind my laptop screen, get really quiet, then leap out and scare the everloving shit out of me. She also likes to abscond with my nail file, which is not a good thing because that bitch’s nails are already sharp like twenty tiny little daggers!
- I caught her huffing my nail polish last night – I can tell the teen years will be trouble.
- It’s Halloween, and I am one of those boring neighbors who doesn’t have candy and turns off her light on the front porch because trying to hand out candy isn’t fun (it’s stressful!) when you have three crazy dogs and one insane cat loose in the house. I won’t do like I did a few years back, when I waited in the dark and jumped out to frighten the kids as they walked by. I’m feeling much nicer this year! Plus I don’t want to spend Halloween in jail. I have a feeling there are extra crazies out on that night.