You all know at least one person who has a “cast iron stomach,” I’m sure. Well, I am the exact opposite. My belly isn’t even a stainless steel pan – more like one of those uncoated, flimsy paper plates that ruin your clothes if you set it on your legs at a picnic. Messy and not always pretty. There isn’t a week that goes by without my stupid stomach getting upset by something I eat. You’d think I’d be rail thin by now, but no.
I haven’t been feeling up to par since Friday and I am unofficially blaming it on the Whataburger breakfast I ate that day. It wasn’t bad, I suppose, just a little too much. Um, #24 breakfast platter with bacon, honey butter chicken biscuit and biscuit with plain gravy. I’m a pretty small chick but I can eat the hell out of breakfast. This time, I sort of overdid it. Way past my daily allowance of vitamin G.
Since I rarely keep anything to eat in my refrigerator, I had to schlepp up to the grocery store and buy some bland, old people food. Twenty minutes later and I have enough mac & cheese, mashed potatoes, ginger ale, bread and pudding packs for a day care center. I’m in the self check out line waiting behind a woman having problems scanning her tub of hummus. Normally, I am patient but I felt like I was going to lose my cookies right there, so I may have sighed once. Or twice. Okay, four times. But not loudly enough for her to hear. I think.
Karma is a bitch because when I got my turn to check out, the machine wouldn’t scan my ginger ale and the clerk was helping someone else with another fucked up machine. I turn behind me and there’s this angry, impatient guy struggling to hold two enormous pound cakes and glaring at me. I give him one of my best Crawl Up My Ass, Dude! looks and try to flag the girl down again. She finally came over, he passed me with his gigantic cake feast, glowering as he walked by, and I barely made it home before projectile vomiting through my nose.
I will never sigh in line again.
Back to the trip to Target with the non-BF yesterday, I only went in for two items and left with a full cart. Nothing fun (the non-BF was there, after all, and he is trying to help me rein in my issue with compulsive shopping), but I will have enough cleaning supplies for the next six months.
The non-BF was looking through the electronics section (wow, imagine that!) and I made the mistake of heading down the candle aisle. It was there I found a candle shaped like a fucking hedgehog! I simply had to have that ugly orange candle (they came in brown and also in Baby Hedgehog sizes)!
I called out to him and he didn’t answer because
I think he didn’t hear me screaming “Look! A hedgehog candle! You know you want one!” he was ignoring me. So I turned to the man who was smelling candles with his young daughter and said, “Hey you! You need this candle!” They both looked at me like I was crazy and left the aisle. People are just no fun anymore.
Thought I had got it past him but when he came over and looked in the cart, he was silent.
The non-BF: No, you are not getting a candle shaped like a hedgehog.
Me: You’re not the boss of me.
The non-BF just places Henry back on the shelf and we leave. (Yes, I already had a name for him. Henry the Hedgehog!)
I’m so going back to Target tomorrow, though. Guess what one of the non-BF’s birthday presents will be??
I have always been more of a Dog Person than someone who is crazy about cats. Not sure what it is about Wormy Kitty, though, because I really like having her around. Friends email or call me all the time with dog questions, but when it comes to cats, I am clueless. When the non-BF told me I’d have to cat proof my house, I didn’t believe him. Probably should have because the tiny ball of fur and feistiness now jumps up on everything. I’m learning, though. For example, Wormy Kitty will sleep all day long
then as soon as I fall asleep, she sits on my face and tap dances on my cheeks. So I’ve solved that problem by fixing her a double shot espresso around 3 p.m.
She is really the Evil Wormy Kitty, but she is adorable when she is asleep. My personal favorite is her Zombie Pose, though.
I absolutely love my Live Cams app! My favorites: bars in Barcelona, hotels in Germany, beaches in Hawaii, a goat cam, a hen cam and a guy in Switzerland named Fritz.
There used to be one I watched in San Juan de Los Lagos, Mexico, but they took it down. I kept threatening the non-BF that we would have to take a road trip to visit the restaurant the cam was located in.
The non-BF: Yeah, that’s what we need to do, drive a car through Mexico. We’d last about ten minutes.
Me: The restaurant has sushi. Mexican sushi - how great is that?
The non-BF: Raw fish that have been swimming in Mexican waters? You’ll have to come up with something better than that to convince me.
Me Nobody is any fun anymore!
Wormy Kitty is trying to follow in the path of her idol and role model, Kitty Drunk Drunk:
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post.