I went to my parents’ house this evening to make my contribution to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow: my White Trash Macaroni Salad. Because I’m quite sure the Pilgrims had macaroni salad at the first Thanksgiving (the Indians totally dig that shit!) and because I like it so much, so perfect excuse to eat it on my second favorite day of the year. Now I’m totally full of all kinds of bad carbs and fat (hey, I had to taste it to make sure it was okay, but I guess I didn’t have to eat a bowl of it before I left). Oh yeah, I’m having fizzy gin drinks tomorrow, too, but I’m not sharing them with anybody. The Pilgrims totally had fizzy gin drinks at the first Thanksgiving. AND they didn’t share with the Indians. The Indians were already high from smoking their peace pipes. That is the reason they had to have the extra mashed potatoes and green bean casserole: the munchies.
I can totally make fun of that shit because I’m one quarter Indian. Probably all in my left leg, because the hair doesn’t seem to grow back there that quickly.
My first favorite day of the year? My birthday. It should be a fucking national holiday.
Tomorrow, I am going to be completely obnoxious and suggest that we sing Kum By Ya before eating. Then I am going to make everyone go around the table and say one thing they are thankful for. Mine? Liposuction. I’m really going to need it after tomorrow.
Speaking of having my fat sucked out, Bunny keeps warning me with tales of some chick she knew who got it and ended up with blood clots. My preventative measure against this happening to me? For three weeks before the operation, I’m going to live on a diet of alcohol and aspirin. No way my blood is going to clot!
I was cleaning out some bags I found when I painted my home office (well, when my parents painted it and I supervised, ha!), and I came across some notes I made when the non-BF and I traveled to Asia a few years back. None of it makes any sense and is proof that vodka really is the Devil:
- My next step professionally is to become a writer. Or a real estate broker. Or a whore. I guess they’re all the same, aren’t they?
- Me: Today is the day to wear yellow. The non-BF: Why? Me: Because of Buddha.
- I’m going to create a new Hallmark line of cards called “The Toleration Series.”
- Me: No more vodka. That’s a lot of empty calories. The non-BF’s BFF: Are you kidding me? Vodka Calories are the best calories!
- This hat is for bad hair. Never mind that I don’t have bad hair now, I will have bad hair later.
- The non-BF’s BFF was talking about Hong Kong and he mentioned that they have Starbucks there. My response – “They probably have Starbucks in hell.”
Thank you, Bunny, for showing me this: Wine Sippy Cups. As it says, “Seriously, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!”
I’m wondering if they had bacon at the first Thanksgiving.