- On the way to my family reunion Saturday, I saw a guy wearing a cowboy hat ride a horse over an overpass on I-20, followed by two BMWs and a Mercedes. Only in Dallas.
- At the family reunion, I was talking to two of my cousins. They’re kinda country, which is fine, but I don’t often fit in the conversations. Plus, I don’t think they know who I am some of the time (I’ve missed several years up until last year). One cousin told his older brother, “That dog is FAT. It needs to go on a diet!” The other cousin patted the
small cow’s dog’s belly and told us, “This is Milky Way Fat.” I about spit out my iced tea because dogs shouldn’t have sugar OR chocolate. Before I could say anything (and possibly alienate several extended family members), he told me, “She and I share at least one Milky Way every day.” That explains a LOT. Found out later that Fatty was a terrier mix (one that should probably weigh in at about 15 pounds). She looked more like she should be chewing cud in a pasture.
- We went to brunch yesterday with one of the non-BF’s oldest and dearest friends. I am complaining (not really) about how the non-BF bitches about me shopping. I tell Old Dear Friend that it really isn’t fair because the non-BF shops a lot, too. The non-BF: And how many sweaters do you own? Me: (mumbles) The non-BF: I can’t hear you. Me: Forty-six at the moment. But they are not real sweaters, they are the jacket-type kind, you know, like cardigans and swingy sweaters you put over a dress or a cami. So they don’t really count. Besides, you are one to talk! You just bought a guitar with Billy Ray Cyrus’ signature on it!” I must have said it too loudly, because the table of gay guys behind us all exclaimed either “Eww!” or “Ooh!” I think it was the former and not the latter.
- In his defense, several good country artists also signed it but unfortunately for any of us who have to see the guitar, BRC’s signature is on it somewhere.
- At the family reunion, I wore one of my favorite summer dresses (it’s Texas, so I can do that in October) with my Vince Camuto light coral/sorta honey colored jeweled sandals. These sandals are so shiny and sparkly that they could send an epileptic into seizures. I didn’t wear my Really Ugly But Comfy Shoes because they didn’t go with the dress. About two hours into the event, though, no more Fashion Over Function. I could barely walk. I’m thinking that foot surgery may indeed be in the future for me, because I’d sure as hell would hate to waste a bunch of cute shoes!
- Waking up in the middle of the night on a routine basis means I get to see ads for Anastasia Global (yeah, those girls really like you for you, guys), sore bottoms, Ch-Ch-Ch-Chias!, this guy (stop having a boring tuna! you’re going to love my nuts!) and Chuck Norris. I’m seriously thinking about purchasing the presidential candidate chia heads.
- I saw another cousin giving my mom some kind of backrub/adjustment type thing and of course, I am all like, “Me next!” My neck and back are a mess, so I don’t have any shame in begging backrubs off of anyone. He said, “Your shoulder – it’s your mouse. You need to not be on the computer so much.” I responded by saying I was on a computer all day long at work, and then I came home and got on one. He deadpanned, “Downloading porn?” A “normal” person might have been offended or thought that an inappropriate commment. I just laughed and told him, “No, that’s what my boyfriend does. I just window shop for clothes. Online shopping IS porn for me.” Thank God he laughed along with me, because three other relatives got up and walked away. I swear I was adopted.
- When I told a friend that I was traveling to Costa Rica later on this year, he said, “You know, there’s no extradition there.” What, do I look like I’ll be knocking off liquor stores or robbing a bank? I guess it’s still good to know.
- I am so in trouble for blogging about my family reunion. Or I will be when my mom reads this.