- On the way to my family reunion Saturday, I saw a guy wearing a cowboy hat ride a horse over an overpass on I-20, followed by two BMWs and a Mercedes. Only in Dallas.
- At the family reunion, I was talking to two of my cousins. They’re kinda country, which is fine, but I don’t often fit in the conversations. Plus, I don’t think they know who I am some of the time (I’ve missed several years up until last year). One cousin told his older brother, “That dog is FAT. It needs to go on a diet!” The other cousin patted the
small cow’s dog’s belly and told us, “This is Milky Way Fat.” I about spit out my iced tea because dogs shouldn’t have sugar OR chocolate. Before I could say anything (and possibly alienate several extended family members), he told me, “She and I share at least one Milky Way every day.” That explains a LOT. Found out later that Fatty was a terrier mix (one that should probably weigh in at about 15 pounds). She looked more like she should be chewing cud in a pasture.
- We went to brunch yesterday with one of the non-BF’s oldest and dearest friends. I am complaining (not really) about how the non-BF bitches about me shopping. I tell Old Dear Friend that it really isn’t fair because the non-BF shops a lot, too. The non-BF: And how many sweaters do you own? Me: (mumbles) The non-BF: I can’t hear you. Me: Forty-six at the moment. But they are not real sweaters, they are the jacket-type kind, you know, like cardigans and swingy sweaters you put over a dress or a cami. So they don’t really count. Besides, you are one to talk! You just bought a guitar with Billy Ray Cyrus’ signature on it!” I must have said it too loudly, because the table of gay guys behind us all exclaimed either “Eww!” or “Ooh!” I think it was the former and not the latter.
- In his defense, several good country artists also signed it but unfortunately for any of us who have to see the guitar, BRC’s signature is on it somewhere.
- At the family reunion, I wore one of my favorite summer dresses (it’s Texas, so I can do that in October) with my Vince Camuto light coral/sorta honey colored jeweled sandals. These sandals are so shiny and sparkly that they could send an epileptic into seizures. I didn’t wear my Really Ugly But Comfy Shoes because they didn’t go with the dress. About two hours into the event, though, no more Fashion Over Function. I could barely walk. I’m thinking that foot surgery may indeed be in the future for me, because I’d sure as hell would hate to waste a bunch of cute shoes!
- Waking up in the middle of the night on a routine basis means I get to see ads for Anastasia Global (yeah, those girls really like you for you, guys), sore bottoms, Ch-Ch-Ch-Chias!, this guy (stop having a boring tuna! you’re going to love my nuts!) and Chuck Norris. I’m seriously thinking about purchasing the presidential candidate chia heads.
- I saw another cousin giving my mom some kind of backrub/adjustment type thing and of course, I am all like, “Me next!” My neck and back are a mess, so I don’t have any shame in begging backrubs off of anyone. He said, “Your shoulder – it’s your mouse. You need to not be on the computer so much.” I responded by saying I was on a computer all day long at work, and then I came home and got on one. He deadpanned, “Downloading porn?” A “normal” person might have been offended or thought that an inappropriate commment. I just laughed and told him, “No, that’s what my boyfriend does. I just window shop for clothes. Online shopping IS porn for me.” Thank God he laughed along with me, because three other relatives got up and walked away. I swear I was adopted.
- When I told a friend that I was traveling to Costa Rica later on this year, he said, “You know, there’s no extradition there.” What, do I look like I’ll be knocking off liquor stores or robbing a bank? I guess it’s still good to know.
- I am so in trouble for blogging about my family reunion. Or I will be when my mom reads this.
It could always be worse. I had a big party when Sex and the City ended. All of my family and friends came over. I cooked a bunch of food. We all were drinking and laughing. Great times. My six year old niece was in my bedroom watching some kid crap on the tv being quiet. Too quiet. So, my mom being the good grandmother she is went to check on her. Next thing I know was a screaming mom of mine. “BRATTUS RATTUS! GET IN HERE NOW!” I was like, “What the fuck did I do now.” (when you get the whole name yelled at you like when you were a kid, it’s never good.)
There was my mom pointing at the tv asking me, “What the hell is that?!” So I look. Yep, my niece somehow turned on the DVD player and got the porn to play. Good times. To make the situation better, my niece thought the woman on the screen was me. Awesome.
After I finally turned off the dvd (read: figured out how to), I went back to the party and into the kitchen to cook, trying not to laugh. My mom followed…definitely not laughing and everyone was asking what happened. I kept saying nothing. Things are fine. Blah, blah, blah. They wouldn’t let it go. So…. I finally blurted it out.
“CHILD FIGURED OUT HOW TO PLAY THE DVD (that I can’t figure out) AND SHE WAS WATCHING PORN…AND THOUGHT I WAS THE LOVELY LADY IN THE MOVIE. AND MOM’S PISSED.”
The look on my father’s face was priceless, mom was REALLY not amused and everyone else busted out in laughter. We still can’t have a family gathering without that story being told.
So maybe you and I should have a support group where we just drink and say inappropriate things to each other and don’t care. LOL
I would have LOVED to have been at that party!
I always find the things I think are the funniest are the ones my mom is going to call me about later…
Same here. I really should just stop telling her stuff.
Nο man is еver old enоugh to κnow better.