I always tried to feel sorry and sympathy for Jan Brady but somehow never could. And yes, I would laugh and laugh when Marsha one upped Jan yet another time. Bitch needed to stop trying so hard…wearing wigs, riding her bike without her glasses and making up fake boyfriends. Kind of reminds me of the Man Skeeter.
I remember a couple years ago when the Man Skeeter insisted that she come over to help me with a home improvement project and me, not being in the mood that day to be a bitch and tell her “Hell NO,” I agreed. I had to listen to hours of wah-wah-wah’ing about the latest guy who ran for cover when she obsessed over him.
After I sighed a few too many times, because it was the same ol’ shit I’ve heard 100 times before from her…
Man Skeeter: I knew you wouldn’t understand because you have the non-BF.
Me: Gigi, it isn’t that I haven’t had my heart broken before. I have had a few times. It just never happened every fucking quarter like it does with you.
By the way, if Skeeter ever finds this blog, it’s not as though I haven’t said all of this to her face before. I told her she was just like Gigi in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” except the Man Skeeter never learns and at least Gigi finally got a clue. I even called her that for a few weeks until I got tired of talking to a brick wall.
Case in point: At the end of July, she sent me a text message that said “I am happy in love! Just wanted to tell you!!!” I waited until early September to call her, thinking that would be enough time for her to run him off. At least this time she asked me how I was doing instead of immediately launching into a monologue about the latest man in her life. I said I was fine and the next words out of her mouth were, “Well, I was stupid to get together with July Guy because he decided to go back to his bipolar wife!”
I didn’t even realize he was married. Some people never learn.
My head is filled with all sorts of totally useless trivia that I drop into conversations with absolutely no segue at all. Here is some of the non-important shit I know, thanks to emails my dad forwards to me, insomnia and the internets, especially Wikipedia and Web MD:
- Candida can be caused by stress, hormones, pregnancy or too much sugar in your diet
- Mick Hucknall was a sex addict for a few years during the height of Simply Red’s fame (now I can’t see a photo of him without imagining his Oh Face and getting a little nauseated)
- If you sit all day long and lead a sedentary lifestyle, you are at a higher risk for a heart attack than a pack-a-day smoker
- Hammertoe can be caused by wearing high heels and flip flops too often
- The musical artist Joe Jackson left New York because they banned smoking in bars and restaurants (seriously, dude?)
- The average person urinates between three and four hours every day
- Shopping addiction can be a secondary cause of a mental illness, such as major depression disorder, bipolar disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder (that explains a LOT)
- Fainting goats have many other names, including Myotonic Goats, Tennessee (Meat) Goats, Nervous Goats, Stiff-leg Goats, Wooden-leg Goats, and Tennessee Fainting Goats
- Stephanie March and Angie Harmon both attended Highland Park High School here in Dallas
I could go on for hours but you get the point.
I am completely terrified of driving in the rain. Not because of how I drive, but because of the other drivers. While Dallas drivers are certainly not this country’s worst drivers, they are pretty bad. In clear, sunny weather, people here drive like assholes. In inclement weather, watch out! they are complete douche bags.
So today, when I decided that I needed to have a fizzy gin drink this evening because, well because it’s the weekend and because I’ve been pretty bummed the past few days from missing Mr. Swirly. However, it started to sprinkle and I knew what that would mean: slick streets and asshats driving like nutjobs. If it is raining even ever so slightly, I will take back roads rather than getting on the highways.
Since my suburb only sells beer and wine, that meant driving downtown and hell, the thought of doing so in the rain made me want a drink right then. [No, I do NOT drink and drive, but I could have used a Xanax for this trip.]
Luckily for me, I got about halfway through OC (Oak Cliff) and it stopped raining so I could finally take the highway. Last time I attempted a booze run in the rain, I got home about 2 1/2 hours later.
After lunch today, the non-BF and I went to Target for some kitty litter and clothes hangers.
The non-BF: Hangers???? Didn’t we just get you some last weekend? Did you go and buy a bunch of shit again?
Me: No, I did NOT buy a bunch of “shit” again, thankyouverymuch! I am switching from the plastic ones with the rubber strips because the felt-covered ones don’t make little puckers on the fabric when I hang my clothes to dry. [Yes, I hang my clothes to dry, always have. The dryer can do some serious damage to fabric, and I am very particular about my clothes.]
The non-BF: I think you are trying to wipe them out of hangers.
Me: Nope. I won’t buy those shitty molded plastic ones unless they are for camis, because they have little hooks that I can hang them on. And I have enough of those already.
The non-BF: Look! The shitty plastic ones come in so many cute colors!
Me: And you wonder why I drink? Please, I don’t need the temptation, fucker.
Last night, I was on the phone with Bunny, complaining about Wormy Kitty and how she had jumped up onto my Dead Dog Shrine, knocked over my angel-holding-a-puppy, ate the food I left out for Trouble and Mr. Swirly (kinda like they do for the Buddah and the Krishna) and nearly broke my Baby Jesus.
Bunny: I have a Baby Jesus.
Me: Mine’s from Czechoslovakia!
Bunny: Mine’s from China!
We both laughed, and Bunny told me that we needed to go to OC to get some real Mexican religious icons. She said she got a cool Virgin Mary at a tiny shop there.
Me: I don’t have a Virgin Mary! I want one!!
Bunny: You are about as far away from the Virgin Mary as they come.
I love my friends.