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Favorite Fridays!

Published on May 10, 2013, by in All About THE REST OF YOU, Cyber-Stalking Is FUN!, Favorite Fridays, Fuck Depression!, General Bitchiness, Thank Fuck It's Friday.

Not to be confused with #FF because even though I try to respond with a shout out when I get those (and if I don’t, it is because I’m hiding under my bed and I didn’t see your FF, but I thank from the bottom of my snarky heart!), I will probably never get into the habit of doing that. You know, the laziness and all that.

Each Friday (well, each Friday I can remember to do so or when I’m not on a wine drip because I’m so fucking depressed), I am going to link to a few blog posts I really love. They may be new or from the archives. But these are the ones that either really got to me (in a good, emotional way), made me laugh so hard I hyperventilated until I passed out, or else made me stop and think.

For this week’s Favorite Friday, I give you:

Five Legs Between Us’ “A Little Early for Mother’s Day, But…” – Your mom and my mom should get together over cocktails some time.

She’s Back! – Hyperbole and a Half’s “Depression Part Two” – I’m there with ya. Glad to see you back!

Snarkfest’s “Tirade Tuesday…one day late” – Because I hate that Plastic-Faced Douchebag, too!

Whorrified’s “Rhianna and Chris Brown Are Over. Please God” – He IS seven different kinds of douchebag. However, I think they deserve each other.

Cerebral Milkshake’s “Brain Sneezes and Thought Babies” – Sounds like you and I had the same kind of April. And you are right, there is nothing funny about excessive napping.

And last, but certainly not least…

The Bloggess’ “Rules For Life” – She is, as always, brilliant.

Peace and shoes for now, bitches. I am SO ready for this weekend. I might even actually leave the house!

PS: Can that Kelsey chick be a bit perkier? I lose weight just by watching that bitch happily make food she probably never eats. What is UP with all these skinny chefs??

 

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I Fart Rainbows…And Shit Glitter

Published on May 8, 2013, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, General Bitchiness, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model.

Well, not really. But you know that if I could, I’d be doing it all the time.

I think I may be over the depression hump now. The reason I say this is because I started taking notes on shit that pisses me off again. And notes on the random, weird thoughts that come to me at say, 15,000 feet in the air. NO, I can’t fly but I’m flying.

*****

Got seated (with a empty seat in between, yay!) next to a nice and pleasant, very normal looking lady. We chatted but once we took off, she didn’t feel the need to be my new best friend. Which is awesome, because I won’t be rude to the nice, normal, non-stinky ones. My luck is that I’m usually seated next to someone who doesn’t believe in bathing OR wearing deodorant, someone that coughs the entire time and doesn’t cover their mouth, and/or someone with dirt on their neck.

I’m not making that shit up. On one flight, I had the good fortune to be seated in the middle seat with a nice, normal guy who left me alone on one side, and Big Stinky With The Clod Of Dirt On His Neck Who Was Gunning For Becoming The Next Typhoid Mary. Okay, Typhoid Tom. Let’s just call him Stinky for short.  Because I sure as hell AIN’T gonna type that again. Too much turbulence!

The spasms of coughing and spewing his nasty funkiness into the air made me turn to give him the Stink Eye. That is when I saw it: mud was dried on his neck. Two rather good sized patches. Who fucking leaves the house like that?!

Of course, I check to see if he is wearing a ring and yep, that bad boy was married. I wondered why his wife let him leave looking like that.  Maybe she was so sick of his stinky ass that she didn’t want to waste any time pushing him out the door?

Oh, and there was the woman with only one foot who insisted on crossing her gimpy leg and letting her stump rest on my thigh. And I was wearing a mini skirt. Mind you, this was years ago, before I got over my foot phobia. Ick. I’d still be grossed out if that happened today, but I’m a bitch now, so I’m knock that stumpy shit off my leg! Fuck her feelings – I don’t need some stump funkness on me!

*****

Good GOD, this in-air wifi is so freaking SLOW! I know, first world problem, but hell, I spent ten whole dollars on the fucker and my 90 minutes will be up before I can even load the login page!!

*****

The woman across the aisle from me is boozing it up even more than I do on a flight.  She also has a real fur coat, so being the animal lover that I am, I “accidentally” squirted my ketchup in her direction.

I didn’t really. But I wanted to in the worst way possible.

P.S. I’ve never seen so much jewelry on one person before.

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Favorite Fridays On A Wednesday

Published on May 1, 2013, by in All About THE REST OF YOU, Cyber-Stalking Is FUN!, Thank Fuck It's Friday.

Because I can.

I was doing Favorite Fridays for a while but I’m sick today so you get it on a Wednesday so there.  This is my blog. I can do whatever I want. P.S.: I’d happily make it a real Friday for all of you but sadly, I do not possess that superpower. You’re welcome,  though.

I am totally LOVING this blog:  http://pmzee.com/

Updated: And somehow WordPress is jacking with my hyperlink. Grr.

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“I’m Not Dead Yet…”

Published on April 29, 2013, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, All About Me, General Bitchiness, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model.

Just really depressed and was taking a break.

  • Diets are NOT working. I fucking give up!
  • Joined a gym and got a trainer but I couldn’t work out because of my hurt foot. Until now.
  • Haven’t really had anything to bitch about (well, except the diet not working). I think I need to get out of the house more so people can piss me off.  It’s messing with my creativity.

So yes, I am still here. I miss you readers. Hoping that upping the dosage of my Crazy Pills helps.  More to come…promise!

 

 

 

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“Please, sir, I want some more.”

Published on March 20, 2013, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, BACON, Dogs, General Bitchiness, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model.

I am now crankier than ever. If that was even possible.

This stupid diet has me angry. A N G R Y.

So far today…

  • I read today that for the first two weeks of this diet, I cannot have ANY alcohol.  Not even no-carb alcohol like vodka. Or gin. Or fizzy gin drinks. Um, okay. Scratch that shit and start over again. Fuck me running.
  • Was chewing on my thumb in contemplation this afternoon. Then I found myself Googling “How many calories in a cuticle?” I’m officially obsessed.
  • You know it’s BAD when your dogs’ Beggin’ Strips start smelling good to you.
  • Treated myself to dinner out tonight instead of boring broccoli and grilled chicken or fish at home. So what the hell do I have? Mixed greens with grilled chicken.  No croutons. Only a sad and tiny slice of whole wheat bread. I cried just a little.
  • I’ve started calling my one allowed cinnamon Altoid “dessert.”
  • Wrote a crazy blog post last night that sounded like I was high on crack and feeling bugs crawl under my skin. Promptly deleted it this morning and had to check if I had ordered Godiva chocolates in my no-carb-induced-haze. Or three Kate Spade bags. I probably would have eaten all of them when they arrived if I had actually ordered them.
  • I smell bread everywhere I go.  And cake.  And I don’t even LIKE cake all that much.
  • When I am having conversations with strangers in stores, et cetera (and yeah, I do that on a regular basis), I find myself asking them, “Were you just looking at my gut? Were you?” I also do that with loved ones.  The loved ones tend NOT to walk away after I’ve asked that question – they run.  The strangers are a little more polite about it.
  • Absolute WORST part of it all?  I haven’t lost a single fucking pound. Shoot me now, please.
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