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Totally Random Tuesday

Published on July 24, 2012, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, Totally Random Tuesday.
  • It’s sad when you go to make a gin & tonic and forget to add the gin.  Perhaps a drink is not what you really need right now?
  • The Office Mate told me, “Oh, your hair looks good today!”  Now I’m wondering how bad it looked all the other days.
  • The other dogs in this house have it made because Rainbow (aka the Maxi Pin) always looks guilty, even if he has been lying on his ass on my bed for an hour, sleeping.
  • I am deathly afraid of bees.  Once, at a gas station, several bees were buzzing around me as I attempted to fill my tank.  (Why are bees always at gas stations??)  I ran around screaming and flailing my arms in the air.  The clerk was nice enough to turn on the intercom so I could hear how hard everyone inside the store was laughing.
  • I don’t care how old they are, the Honey Badger and this always make me laugh:

  • I seem to attract stalkers for some reason.  There was the BF that had me followed (by someone ELSE) in college, a blog-stalker I had years ago, a guy I had ONE date with who sat outside my apartment calling me over and over when I wouldn’t answer the door, girls that want me to be friends with only them, and old men in grocery stores.
  • My girl Min Pin lifts her leg to pee.  My boy Min Pin squats.  Maybe giving him a pink Thunder Shirt isn’t really helping this issue?
  • I am one of those annoying people who posts photos of their meals on Facebook.  Feel free to hate me now.
  • The Office Mate and I went shopping at lunch today.  I bought some shoes and totally walked around for 30 minutes complaining about having buyer’s remorse.  She told me I could easily return them NOW because we were still in the store.  Me:  “Fuck that shit, it will pass.”
  • Clowns scare the ever-loving SHIT out of me.  I hate clowns.  Last year, I went on a trip overseas and too late I learned I had booked three nights in a Clown Hotel.  WTF?

  • Stationing yourself beside the crudite platter at a party kinda negates the healthiness of eating all those veggies when you drown them in ranch dressing.
  • Not only do I have a Pizza Ordering Spreadsheet, I also have a budget spreadsheet, a dog medication spreadsheet and a shopping spreadsheet.  And I’m not a Numbers Person.  I just really <3 Excel.
  • I miss my friend, Dan The Man.  He used to leave random, strange voice mails for me when he was still alive.  Like “I really, really like David Hasselhoff,” and “Don’t come outside, I’m waiting downstairs to kill you.”  It’s hard to find friends like that.
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How Dinosaurs REALLY Became Extinct

Published on July 24, 2012, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!.

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“It’s the crazy ones that have the good pills.”

Published on July 23, 2012, by in All About Me, The non-BF.

The non-BF is always trying to find a reason for me to stop taking my Crazy Pills.  Every ailment I claim to have, he says, “Maybe it’s Those Pills You Take.”  He will ask if I checked on the side effects, did I talk to my pharmacist, etc.  I told the Office Mate today that he does NOT want me to stop taking my Crazy Pills.

I knew she would agree.  Before I got on them, I was a Super Bitch.  Now I’m Just A Bitch.

So this morning, during our daily commute phone call (my commute is 5 minutes, so really it’s HIS daily commute call), I said my nose was hurting.  I think I have been complaining about my nose hurting for about three weeks now.

Him:  Maybe it’s Those Pills You Take.

Me:  Nope.  It’s allergies because of this stupid hot weather in Texas.  It is a Snot Fest every morning these days.

Him:  Maybe it’s Those Pills You Take, and BOOZE.

Me:  Nope, booze only intensifies the drowsiness side effect.  And I don’t drink while I am operating heavy machinery.  I learned my lesson after that forklift incident.

Him:  I think you need to talk to your doctor.  You’ve been saying your nose hurts for a while now.  I think maybe it’s Those Pills You Take.

(Note:  The non-BF will never call them by name.  I have no idea why.  I really should Sharpie “Those Pills I Take” on my bottle.)

Me:  No, it isn’t Those Pills I Take.  Okay, if I am going to be honest here, I was cleaning my nostril some time back, and I scratched the inside and it hasn’t fully healed yet.

Him:  So basically, it’s because you’ve been picking your nose, and all this time you’ve been blaming it on the weather?

Me:  Yep.

Busted.

I’m so glad he doesn’t get grossed out by stuff like that.  Or things like the time my IBS flared up and I shitted (shat?) my shorts.  He’s so awesome that way.

***

My quote up there is from Samantha Jones and I’d post a photo of her, but I can’t find one that isn’t copyrighted (YET), and after hacking my hometown’s Wikipedia page yesterday, posting a copyrighted picture today may very well be pushing it.

I took one of those stupid “Which Sex And The City character are you?” quizzes a long, long time ago, back before the non-BF.  Naturally, I scored Samantha.  Like there was ever a doubt.

These days, I’m probably more Charlotte (minus the husband and two kids) because, yeah, she shit her pants, too.  And I totally have one of the Tiffany & Co. necklaces she was sporting in one episode.  Plus, I am sorta classic/preppy in my dress style.  And I’m very particular about certain things.  Well, most things. Personality-wise, though, I’m a combo of Carrie and Miranda – high maintenance and bitchy.  But in a really good way.

***

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I love Web MD and self-diagnosis.  As the non-BF said, “Five minutes and an internet connection and you’re a MD.”  In all honesty, I’m really healthy (all that clean living I do!) and the only health issue I have that isn’t self-inflicted is allergies.  (And IBS, but that might actually just be Booze Shits.)  However, everyone I know in the Dallas area has allergies.  Our air quality is for shit here.

Still, I’ll get a headache and a pain in my lower leg, look up “pain in head” and “pain in lower leg” and five minutes later, I decide I have tumors in my brain and fibromyalgia.  I had a car accident earlier this year, and they did a CT scan because I kept getting dizzy.  It was much easier to handle than the MRI was (I crawled out of the tube and had to be talked down from the ledge).  The doctor told me he had the results.

Me:  It’s a tumor.  Do I have tumors?  I bet you found a tumor.

Him:  (Silence, and a strange look.)  No, everything is fine.  Your brain is normal.

Me:  Oh.  Okay.

Him:  You seem disappointed that you’re okay.

When I posted on Facebook that my brain was normal, quite a few friends objected.  My friends list is a lot lighter now.

***

I just got my over-sized Miniature Pinscher, Rainbow (aka the Maxi Pin) a Thunder Shirt.  Being skeptical, I kept all the packaging and the receipt because I really didn’t think it would work.  If it’s on an infomercial late at night, it can’t work, right?

I put that bitch on him and went to get my keys, walked outside the front door, closed it and used the clicker to make my car honk.  Normally, the little shit gets all frantic and starts barking if I even appear to be leaving the house.  (Applying perfume is the worst, since dogs have a strong sense of smell.  He knows that I’m leaving because if I am staying home, I don’t really care whether or not I am stinky.)

Not a sound.  Total silence.  He did run to the door, though.

Since then, I’ve done it a few more times.  Every time, he doesn’t bark.  I am going to send those Thunder Shirt People a cookie bouquet and pledge my first-born to them.

I think 17 times is overkill, though.  It works, bitch.  Just leave it alone already.

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I’m Going To Start Hiding All The Toilet Paper

Published on July 23, 2012, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, General Bitchiness.

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Monday, Monday…Can’t Trust That Day…

Published on July 22, 2012, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, All About Me.

Because it is Sunday night, which sucks because it precedes Monday, I give you this Random Shit List.  I don’t really have the energy or desire to come up with anything remotely more interesting than this:

  • I totally had the Best Dream last night in which I was hanging out with Matthew McConaughey.  He had just come in from surfing, all glistening and wet, and I made him a turkey sandwich.  Even my sex dreams suck.
  • People who decide at the last minute to exit from the left fucking lane are minions of Satan.  They can bite me.  Also, I hope all of their toenails fall off (if they are a girl) or they wake up to a forehead tattoo that says “I love my small penis” if they are boys.
  • The medical term for eating poop is coprophagy.
  • Sometimes, I’ll interject “Seinfeld” references into conversations just to see if people are paying attention.  “Maybe the dingo ate your baby!”
  • I suffer from Lilapsophobia.  Look it up.
  • I still watch “Twister” every time it’s on cable and I’m bored with nothing to do.
  • Mr. Tail suffers from Peladophobia.  And he hates men in hats, too.
  • My friends hate it when I dance in public.  I do The Elaine and The Safety Dance.  I’m not often invited back to girl outings.
  • When I meet a chick who is like me (she loves shopping, etc., but she can still hang with the boys), I totally get a girl crush.  I will go to greater lengths to impress a girl than I will a guy.  After all, with guys, you pretty much just have to show up. And have a vagina.
  • If the non-BF doesn’t pick on me while we are together, I know he is pissed.  He is the proverbial boy-dipping-your-pigtails-in-ink kind of guy.
  • Does anyone wear pigtails anymore??
  • My blind dog, Snarky, rocks.  It took her all of two days to learn the layout of my house and backyard.  Probably would have taken her only one if I didn’t spend the first day she was blind running after her and yelling, “Wall!” “Door!” “STOP!”
  • Talking to me for more than ten minutes will get you about 20 topics and not one conversation will ever be completed.  Give me an hour, though, and I’ll get back to at least five of them.
  • I spent about an hour this evening altering the Wikipedia entry for my hometown.  Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever be crowned “Woman of the Year” there.
  • P.S. I changed it all back.  I have a guilty conscience that way.
  • I read all of the Nancy Drew mysteries in one summer, and every Little House on the Prairie book at the same time.  At one point in my life, my mom used taking away my library card as a threat when I misbehaved.
  • I was born and raised in Texas and I live here now, but I’ve never owned a pair of cowboy boots, much less put my feet in one.  I truly belong on the northeast coast and should be attending cotillions.  Except I don’t think they let girls with ink in.
  • I only watch the Kardashians when I am depressed and want to feel better about my life.  Or when I am feeling a bit mean and want endless things to make fun of.
  • Since I have pretty much given up dinner (except for vacations and special occasions, like hanging out with people who eat normal meals), if I had to give up one meal a day, it would be lunch.  I get fucking CRANKY when I don’t get my eggs.

Happy Sunday night, all.  Have a cocktail, get some sleep, get ready.  Monday comes before you know it.

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