(or Reasons Why Traveling For Work Ain’t So Glamourous!)
- “I went to jail for nothin’!” NOT what you want to hear a fellow passenger say into his cell phone while you are waiting to board your plane.
- Picking up the in-flight drink menu and realizing you just laid your hand on something on the folder that is sticky. And yellow.
- Then realizing you left your hand sanitizer in your checked bag.
- Having a hot flash at 30,000 feet and wanting to peel your tights off but you can’t – this is the one late night flight everyone decided to stay awake for.
- Going to the bathroom in flight and getting up to flush. And seeing the toilet lid up. You sat down to pee on what about 350 guys before you pissed all over the past 2 days. (You KNOW they don’t clean that shit!)
- Worrying for the rest of the flight about possible STDs contracted.
- And realizing how incredibly lame it will be to explain them away by saying, “I got it from a toilet seat.” Note to self: Take a Silkwood Shower when you get home!
- Knowing for certain from the last late night flight you took that they won’t serve you more than three cocktails on a 2 1/2 hour flight.
- Even if your mommy and daddy are picking you up at the airport.
- Well, HELL, guess they changed it to two. At least that’s what they told me this time.
- Idiot at airport exit holding up toll lane. Our toll lane. The one I told my parents would go faster. Me: It’s some fucktard amateur traveler, I’ll bet. Doesn’t know what they are doing. Why oh why do I decide to travel during Spring Break week? Mom: Shhh! People will hear you. Me: I don’t care, I hope the fucktard hears me and HURRIES THE HELL UP. It’s freaking midnight! Me: I bet it is some bitch. I swear, most bitches don’t know how to drive. (Pause) Me: Look! It is some dumb bitch . You can tell by her fat hands.
Don’t hate on me because of the “fat hands” comment. If I adore you, I don’t care what the flying fuck you look like. You could have three ugly, slimy, green horns growing out of your left elbow and I’d still love the shit out of ya. But if you piss me off, watch out. I’ll find the first, most obvious thing to say to be mean because, well because just don’t mess with me! Besides, she had her damned arm hanging out the window for ten fucking minutes and I couldn’t help but notice. She didn’t have fat arms, though. I really wonder if she was just retaining water.
And don’t hate on me because of the “most bitches don’t know how to drive” comment, either. I base this on the soccer moms and clueless airheads I see zooming around Dallas traffic, trying to kill me and everyone else in their paths. I don’t care for most truck drivers, either. I’ve had too many run me off the road. Okay, so I’m biased. It’s my blog, I can be
I’m obviously jet-lagged and Daylight Savings Manic so goodnight all. I’m going to go hose my naughty bits off with some Lysol!
P.S. I really did go wash my ass area. Still having heebie jeebies from that airplane toilet episode. Ick!
P.P.S. These are my popular search terms? Get more creative, assholes. This also explains many of the comments I DELETE within the first 3 seconds:
angel in an earth suit, histrionic girlfriend, best name for a liquor store, sexy highschool girlfriend, best way to drug a dog, best way to drug a boyfriend
Oh hell. I made those last two up.