Facebook Twitter Gplus E-mail RSS
formats

Oh My Freaking Hell, My Botox Hurts!

Published on February 20, 2013, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, General Bitchiness, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model.

Heaven help me, I need about 20 aspirins!

First, someone made me think WAY too much this evening.  Fuckyouverymuch.  YOU owe me about seven shots of vodka and a good reason why you did this to me while I am very worn out from work and being around Bridezilla and just life-sucks-in-general bullshit.

Wow, that was a long sentence.

[Shh! Don't tell him so, but I am trying to listen to the non-BF now and still pretend I am listening to him while I am posting this. Wait, I just had to respond with "Uh huh" and sound convincing. God, this is way too much for me right now.]

Now I just ratted myself out by asking him if he knew I was blogging and then found out that now, even after nine months, he STILL DOES NOT READ THIS BLOG.  I’m safe, whew!

But I’m still kinda pissed he hasn’t read this crap yet.

I just agreed to something – I don’t know what – but now he is offering to bring the “rest of it” to my parents’ house and have a giant party.  I’m scared now.  Except maybe that means he is bringing me wine.  Then all is good!

[That Inactive Listening I do is going to backfire one of these days, and then I'll have a monkey.  Or a goat. Or agree to adopt a small child.  Any way you slice it, I'm fucked if I don't shape up soon.]

By the way, just in case any of you were missing me…I’m worse than I ever was before, and this is just the beginning.

P.S. My parents stopped by tonight to see me.  Mom: What happened to your hair?!! Me: I decided I wanted pink hair today.  Mom: What on earth is wrong with you?

If I were feeling feistier, I’d give her a laundry list of all that ails me, but suffice it to say…I’ve had it up to here with the last six weeks.  I’m back, baby!

 

Tags:
formats

Well, Hell, WTF? and Why Am I Still Doing This Shit??

Published on February 16, 2013, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, All About Me, General Bitchiness, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model.

Wow, I’ve been MIA for a while.

I’ve been:

  • All over the fucking universe doing this wedding bullshit
  • Forced to wear couture I would never, ever, NEVER wear
  • Been coerced into conversations about bridal showers, weddings and (Oh my God, YES) honeymoons. Please shoot me now (or then would have been better)
  • Made to test wedding cakes (and I hate cake)

Soooooo…now I am back.  And testy. And bitchy. And bitter.  Would you have me any other way?

Things I Said Or Overheard Or Just Wished I Said Because I Never Get The Opportunity To Be Clever In This Life:

  • Me:  I want a grilled cheese sandwich.  That’s the least you can do for me before you put me through this crap. Her: OHMYGODNOIT’SMYDAYYOUAREABITCHHOWCOULDYOUASKFORTHAT??? Me: It’s not like I asked for your fucking kidney, slut.
  • “Champagne for breakfast isn’t too much to ask, is it?” said the totally glam chick I soon had a girl crush for
  • “But it’s Your Day!” If I hear this one more time while here on earth, I will spew pea soup and spin my head around like Linda Blair.  Just warning.
  • “Guess who is NEXT!!!!” (Bitch, cut out your tongue! I didn’t catch the bouquet.  In fact, I fucking dodged it.  Give it to your sister who keeps clipping shit from Bride magazine, would ya?)

Knowing now that I am in a relatively GOOD mood, let me ask you this:  What is the worst bridal kinda crap you ever endured?

Tags:
formats

UPDATE: I’m Still Here!

Published on January 31, 2013, by in All About Me, General Bitchiness.

I just got roped into helping someone plan a wedding, so that has my spare time tied up.  UGH.

P.S. By the time this is over with, I’ll have PLENTY to bitch about!!

Tags:
formats

“It’s the end of the world as we know it”

Published on January 6, 2013, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, All About Me, General Bitchiness, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model, Shopaholics Anonymous...What's That?.

WTH?  I was awake at 3 a.m. watching “Father of the Bride Part II” with Martin Short doing some kind of aerobics with pregnant women.  Make that a pregnant Diane Keaton, which makes me sort of sad.  I still want to imagine her all feminista and not hormone-y.  Not that you cannot be both.  Hell, I’m both – about 23 hours out of the day – but still.  Oh whatever, I’m hormone-y right now so just shut up.

She just said, “I’m too big to get behind the wheel.”  I’ve said that myself, but not for the same reason.  Damned holidays and all their fattening foods!

I am not dealing well with the “allowance” bullshit I’ve put myself on.  I spent three hours online window shopping for a fucking cocktail dress, plus then I get distracted by shoes.  P.S. Don’t tell the non-BF, but I kind of went shopping.  Just a bit. Okay, more than a bit.  Fucking allowance.  I hate it.

Me, on the phone to the non-BF:  I need to leave behind the cocktails and the Ding Dongs.

Not that I eat Ding Dongs on a regular basis, but I have a supply in my freezer since Hostess met its demise.  I really should ebay that shit.

I’ve started saying “Fork you!” instead of “Fuck you!” because it seems nicer, and kind of pointier, too.

At least I’m not spooning in public.

Hey, I know this post sucks, but I’m in a food coma from the five hour long dinner I had tonight.  There aren’t enough Tums in the world to tackle the insanity that is in my belly.  I should be sleeping well tonight.

Tags: , ,
formats

“I locked the door to my own cell and I lost the key…”

Published on January 3, 2013, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, All About Me, Cats, Dogs, General Bitchiness, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model, Shopaholics Anonymous...What's That?, The non-BF.

I’m still under the weather a bit (or at least my stomach is) so I am going totally random tonight.  That kinda sounds like “going commando,” which I am doing as well.  Ahem.

  • First things first:  Big THANK YOU to Brattus Rattus, who sent me glitter nail polish.  I’m sorry, not just glitter nail polish but Lynnderella glitter nail polish.  No, you can’t try some.  It’s all mine.
  • I am a big animal lover/animal rescuer/animal rights person but fucking ENOUGH with the ASPCA commercials while I am watching TV at night, especially if I’ve had a cocktail (or three).  My God, how much bawling can one bitch do in an evening???
  • Okay, so I don’t really want the commercials to go away.  Just give me a warning that you’re about to put those sad puppy faces up there.  Like that weekly emergency system test that comes on in the middle of the afternoon on cable channels.  Something loud and obnoxious so I can jump up and run out of the room without spilling my drink when I do so.  Thank you.
  • Exactly four weeks of no smoking.  Now that I can smell everything (even the shit I don’t want to smell), I am crossing aisles to avoid bathrooms, holding my nose while others eat bacon (I know, so sad, huh?) and really having a difficult time riding elevators.  Perhaps my mission for 2013 is to let all the Stinky People know just how stinky they really are.
  • Crazy Dog (aka New Dog, who is now not-so-new) seems to like catnip even better than Wormy Kitty does.  Just not as much as Mr. Tail.  Yep, it’s Crazy Town here!
  • No.  Just NO.
  • Just today I realized I have 14 magazine subscriptions.  And I wonder why it was suggested that I be put on an “allowance.”
  • Now that I am no longer allowed to free range shop and have that “allowance,” I spend a few hours a week online window shopping and placing items in my shopping cart.  I cry a little inside each time I don’t “Proceed to checkout.”
  • “Well, congratulations, little plaid family!”  Why am I watching “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”?  It is as painful this time as it was the first four times I watched it.  Such a masochist!
  • Hey, I think I know the girl Kate Hudson studied to play the part!
  • Still, I liked the part where she Photoshopped their photos to create their imaginary kids.
  • I still cannot figure out why Wormy Kitty stares at the walls.  Or sits on my chest in the middle of the night.  She may be plotting to kill me.
  • My latest insomnia obsession?  Jewelry TV. SO MUCH to make fun of.
  • Oh yeah, and reading bad reviews at my favorite online shopping sites.  The positive ones are so boring.  Plus I like to correct the spelling and grammar.
Tags: ,
© © non-girlfriend.com