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“Should auld acquaintance be forgot…”

Published on December 31, 2012, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, Cats, Dogs, General Bitchiness, Hoda.

I suck.  Sorry for the absence but shit in my world has been upside down and backwards lately.  New Year’s Resolution:  Stop being such a slacker and post more often.  Oh yeah, and stop saying “fuck” so much.  The former will be easier than the latter.

Shit That Pissed Me Off In 2012 (A Lot Of It Happened Tonight, By The Way):

  • Mr. Swirly died.  That shit fucking sucked.
  • Wormy Kitty gave me ringworm.  She got rid of hers faster than I did mine.
  • I had a car wreck.
  • I gained 15 pounds from being sedentary after car wreck.  Well, and from booze.
  • People who think they are funny, but are not in the slightest sense of the word.  Except for maybe in appearance.  As Marie said in “When Harry Met Sally,”Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn’t possibly all have good taste.”  Or a sense of humor, Marie.
  • Star Wars, Episode 6.  And Ewoks in general.  Why am I watching this tonight?
  • Getting busted for using the non-BF’s cake-flavored vodka in my hot tea. (I had a stomach ache, mkay?)
  • Getting yelled at for setting off NYE poppers because I quote “scared the dogs!”  Was trying to scare Wormy Kitty so she would stop eating the roses on my dining room table.  Little bitch.
  • Hot weather in the winter.
  • Cold weather in the spring.
  • Running out of gin on a Sunday and Texas Blue Laws.
  • Mean, hateful, snooty people who think they are better than me.  Don’t they know that I’m the Most Fabulous?
  • Seriously, mean, hateful, snooty people who think they are better than everyone else.  I love it when karma makes them trip and fall down in front of a bunch of people, or shit their pants.
  • Debbie Downers.  When I hear that shit, I just want to say “Wah wahhhhh…”
  • These guys.

Happy New Year, y’all!  Don’t drink and drive…do like I do – stay in and get smashed.  Clink!

P.S. I never knew that Robert Burns wrote Auld Lang Syne.  Figures.  “If it ain’t Scottish, it’s crap!”

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“Come back and stay for good this time…”

Published on December 24, 2012, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, Blogorrhea, General Bitchiness, Hoda.

Oh my GOD, I want to hit people in the face! 

Yeah, I went Christmas shopping today.  Ugh.

Not only have I been sick, but now that I am okay, the non-BF is sick.  Makes for a fun holiday.  “Eggnog anyone?”  “Only if I know for sure you didn’t sneeze into it, bitch.”

Here’s some good Yuletide cheer:

  • I’m still smoke-free
  • I still haven’t killed anyone because of being smoke-free.
  • I have really, really wanted to.  I just have awesome willpower.  Bow down :)
  • The 80s songs I’ve been sharing on Facebook via YouTube have only made me receive three death threats so far this month.  I’m ahead of the game.
  • My nose makes me look like some kind of crack whore.  I’m mainlining Vasoline.  It’s creepy when I go to the store with that shiny shit all over my face.  Getting sick sucks a big one.
  • Listening to these 80s songs tonight makes me remember all the (ahem) “winners” I dated during high school.
  • They also reminded me I wrote a whole lot of good shit I kind of discarded at the time.
  • Spandau Ballet was a low-rent version of Duran Duran.
  • “Come Undone” was one of the all-time sexiest songs, ever.
  • I should really quit while I am ahead.
  • Merry Christmas, y’all.  I’m too tired from being sick to say much of anything else.
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“I’m not dead yet…”

Published on December 22, 2012, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, All About Me, General Bitchiness, Hoda.

Been traveling and was waiting out the end of the world, but since that didn’t happen, I guess I should post.  My snot-filled head really cannot come up with anything clever, so look at this:

Seriously?

Seriously?

*****

Had to go to the pharmacy yesterday and give a DNA sample plus sign over my first-born in order to get some “real” Sudafed (thanks a LOT, meth-heads!).  Now I have completely lost my appetite, which is a good thing, since all this traveling and eating like I am on vacation has made it pretty much impossible to zip up any of my pants.  In fact, one pair split.  I am not making that shit up, either.  If things don’t change, I’ll have to acquire an eating disorder again or something.  One good thing about me quitting smoking:  I can smell food now.  And it all stinks to me.  Too bad liquor doesn’t.

*****

Pseudo-arguing with the non-BF about my taste in music.  All that early 90s club music and I guess the descriptions of what I wore (ahem, sort of wore) in the clubs…yeah, I had to come up with the disclaimer that I was a LOT skinnier then.

Me:  “Shut the hell up, I’m dancing, it’s better than me hacking up half a lung in the garbage can, bitch.”

Yeah, tonight is gonna go well.  I’m off to OD on Sudafed, some kind of numbing throat lozenges and a hot toddy.  Wake me up when this shit has passed.  Happy holidays if I don’t emerge from this funk in the next few days. XO.

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“Wake me up before you go go”

Published on December 13, 2012, by in ADD Much? Hey, Look! A Squirrel!, Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, BACON, General Bitchiness, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model, The non-BF.

I had something here, something kinda fucking funny, then WordPress, in its infinite wisdom, totally blew it all out the door.  I even saved that shit, or so I thought.  If the rest of this sucks, thank WordPress for that.  Today wasn’t the day to fuck with my world, WP.  I hope you have rotten egg farts for the next five days.

I have been without secure internet access for the past several days because I was on an island somewhere in the Carribean and I couldn’t post lest someone hack my account and then you start getting blog posts about Uggs and cheap Gucci handbags and shit.

Okay, so I got back late Monday night and had to have some wine sippy cups to sleep, but yeah, I’ve been out of non-girlfriend commission for over a week.  Which sucks.  Only for me, though, since no internet access spared you from drunken ramblings about fish and fizzy gin drinks and reggae bands playing funked-up Adele songs in clubs where botulism was a possibility just from drinking the rum punch.  UGH.

Plus I needed a vacation from everything, since I’ve worked for at least one day, if not more, on every vacation I’ve taken for the past several years.  Even though I love you all, I kinda liked not having email access and knowing that my cell phone would barely work where I was and would block most of my calls.  Yippee.

Oh yeah.  And I “officially” quit smoking for the eighth time in my life.  Let’s cross our toes and hope it sticks.  I’m on day six and *surprisingly* not so bitchy.  Only because I’ve gotten my way in every interacting-with-other-humans situations so far.  God help us all if someone fucks up that winning streak, let me tell ya.

I’m f’ing DRAINED so I give you this, Shit We Said/Overheard/Made Up Because It Sounded Like Something That Needed To Be Said While We Were On Vacation:

  • Fuck this shit, let’s go find some bacon!
  • If he’d only marry the bitch and just do me on the side, I’d be happy.  Let her deal with his “inner child” issues.
  • Every now and then, I shoplift something just to feel real again.  You know what I mean?  Holy hell, it’s only like a lip gloss or some shit, it’s not like I’m stealing the Hope Diamond.
  • Bored Rich Bitch:  I’ve decided I’m only eating one kind of meat each week.  Week 1, turkey.  Week 2, chicken. Week 3, beef.  Week 4, lamb.  In the months that there are 5 weeks, I’m going Vegan on week number 5.  Husband With No Balls And No Clue:  Which week is Bacon Week?
  • Skinny 20-Something Chick:  My boyfriend is such an asshole.  Friend # 1:  Nothing a lobotomy won’t fix.  Friend # 2:  Or a colonoscopy.
  • Woman at bar:  Do I want another drink?  (louder) Do I want another drink?  Look who I’m stuck here with – I NEED another drink!

As usual with myself and the non-BF, we had a fabulous time.  I didn’t “need” to drink to hang with him, nor did I want him to have any medical procedures in order to tolerate him on vacation (or vice versa).  Day in and day out, normal everyday shit – I totally get where you might get on each others’ nerves sometimes, but for the sake of the baby Jesus and all that is holy, it’s your fucking vacation, people!  Can’t you all just get along?

Oh yeah, happy holiday, bitches!  Bring on the egg nog!

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“You don’t own me…”

Published on December 2, 2012, by in Alcohol, It's What's For Dinner, BACON, Hoda, More A Cautionary Tale Than A Role Model, The non-BF.

Damn if I didn’t forget my notebook last night.  I’m quite certain we said and did some funny shit.  I’ll try to remember…

  • Me and Bunny singing Lesley Gore in the middle of a crowded patio while the non-BF looks on in horror
  • Pork Belly Pops (don’t ask, but they were good)
  • The non-BF:  Why are you dressed like that?  Me:  These are the only shorts that still fit me.  Now stop bogarting that cheese!
  • “She just came in and twatwashed the place.”
  • Me:  I should make a non-girlfriend line of nail polishes.  With names like “Slut-Puppy” and “Hooker Toes.”  Bunny:  I’d totally buy a nail polish called “Hooker Toes”.  The non-BF:  How about “Camel Toe”?
  • The non-BF thought I made up a word.  Therapeutical.  Nope, it exists.  They all laughed when I said my Fizzy Gin Drink was “therapeutical.”
  • Me, to the girl sitting next to me with the lit cigarette:  I’m sorry, is my smoke bothering you?
  • “Do calories count when you’re drunk?  Because if they don’t, I’d be a size zero.”
  • “That guy? Over there?  Really needs to give his outfit back to the 80s.  They’re missing it.”
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