I am now crankier than ever. If that was even possible.
This stupid diet has me angry. A N G R Y.
So far today…
- I read today that for the first two weeks of this diet, I cannot have ANY alcohol. Not even no-carb alcohol like vodka. Or gin. Or fizzy gin drinks. Um, okay. Scratch that shit and start over again. Fuck me running.
- Was chewing on my thumb in contemplation this afternoon. Then I found myself Googling “How many calories in a cuticle?” I’m officially obsessed.
- You know it’s BAD when your dogs’ Beggin’ Strips start smelling good to you.
- Treated myself to dinner out tonight instead of boring broccoli and grilled chicken or fish at home. So what the hell do I have? Mixed greens with grilled chicken. No croutons. Only a sad and tiny slice of whole wheat bread. I cried just a little.
- I’ve started calling my one allowed cinnamon Altoid “dessert.”
- Wrote a crazy blog post last night that sounded like I was high on crack and feeling bugs crawl under my skin. Promptly deleted it this morning and had to check if I had ordered Godiva chocolates in my no-carb-induced-haze. Or three Kate Spade bags. I probably would have eaten all of them when they arrived if I had actually ordered them.
- I smell bread everywhere I go. And cake. And I don’t even LIKE cake all that much.
- When I am having conversations with strangers in stores, et cetera (and yeah, I do that on a regular basis), I find myself asking them, “Were you just looking at my gut? Were you?” I also do that with loved ones. The loved ones tend NOT to walk away after I’ve asked that question – they run. The strangers are a little more polite about it.
- Absolute WORST part of it all? I haven’t lost a single fucking pound. Shoot me now, please.
Ummmmm….
One – how long have you been on this diet? Cause if it’s been for any length of time and you haven’t lost any weight, FUCK THAT.
B – Maybe and just maybe this diet isn’t for you. Just saying.
and III – it might be time to treat yourself to a drink. Or four. And quickly go get those Kate Spade bags cause think of all the money you saved not drinking or eating real food.
If you want a new obsession, when I went thru my last massive weight loss episode I did the “weight loss by blood type”. It was really interesting. See! I just gave you something new to obsess about! You’re welcome!
Good luck but don’t get sick. If all else fails – do Weight Watchers. All of my friends do it and swear by it and they all look fantastic. None go to meetings. I’m just a stubborn bitch. I have lost 70 pounds by telling myself that I got sick of being fat and all I did was stop eating crap. Now I’m thin. You find what works for you but you have to be happy or you end up craving Beggin Strips and that’s not a good look on anyone. LOL
ANY DIET THAT PROHIBITS ALCOHOL is not worth it. I’d rather be fat. Because at least if I’m tipsy I don’t care that I’m fat. Speaking of fat, I think I need a drink. With a side of cabbbage (slimming).
What the hell? Have you gotten so weak from lack of food and booze that you can’t get out of the house to be confronted be assholes to come up with witty shit to say here in print?
We miss you!
I think Whorrified is getting sick of me attacking her blog now, too, so I need you to come back soon.
Y’all are some crazy bitches. I feel like you are part of my family. LOL
I hope things get better for you soon! From someone who has been there before!
Aw, I feel your pain. When I go on a crazy diet like that I chew gum incessantly. And drink lemon water. Bread smells slightly less yummy when you are tasting mint.
Good luck. You can’t even have wine? Try doing new physically rewarding stuff… like massages or yoga or something to keep your mind off of cake. I hope you reach your goal.
Haha love your site. And share your horrible diet pains. I like to call my own “Whale Watch”. Check us out sometime!
http://www.misadventuresofamaneater.com/