- Trying really hard to break myself of drinking more than one caffeinated beverage per day and, considering the fact that I used to drink about six sugar free Red Bulls on a daily basis only a few months ago, I’m doing pretty well having only the occasional cup of hot tea or diet Dr. Pepper. Surprisingly, it has been pretty easy and I haven’t even thought of killing anyone. So far. But today sucked (air conditioning went out) so I decided two diet Dr. Peppers would be okay today. I probably should have opted for a Jack and Coke but I’m trying to behave. (Why behave? Don’t ask me. Because it’s Tuesday?)
- I went to one of my regular convenience stores this evening to get said caffeine. The Guy Who Is Always Behind The Counter rang me up. And then, as I was about to leave and inhale the drink, he stops me and begins telling me about his fasting and how he has changed his diet. After a few very telling remarks, I assumed he must be Muslim, so I asked that question and he said yes. After more explanations of his fasting habits, he proceeded to tell me that Christians don’t eat pork. I’m like, Whoa, yeah they do, and so then he said they shouldn’t. Next thing I know, he is pulling out his iPhone and playing a YouTube video of Joel Osteen telling his congregation that eating pigs is bad. I’m totally appreciating the irony here, folks: a Muslim is telling this backsliding Baptist girl she shouldn’t eat pork and using Joel Osteen as an expert? I came home and made myself a BLT.
- Not really, but I wish I had worn my bacon t-shirt to the store.
- Talking to the non-BF earlier (pre-anti-bacon store run) and he asked what I would be doing tonight. I told him “herding small animals and writing in my blog.” Him: I don’t know how you have time to do all that shit. Me: I have tons of weird crap that pop into my head throughout the day. I just gotta remember them long enough to write them down. Him: Well, then I suppose you better start now, before the cocktails, Lushy. Me: No fucking hedgehog candle for you, you shit.
- Since I granted Wormy Kitty emancipation from her Kitty Prison (she is all over the Wormy Kitty phase but the name kind of stuck), I have to shut the laptop cover every time I get up to do anything – get a tissue, go to the bathroom, stretch, whatever. Bitch stepped on my WIFI button and I ended up calling my ISP to get them to “fix” my service. Thank you Baby Jesus that I really did have phone line problems, or else I’d totally feel stupid.
- On the phone with the non-BF again. He is laughing because I am
talking to the cat shouting at Wormy Kitty to “Stop it!“ Apparently, cats cannot be shamed by their owners like dogs can. I may have to start using a squirt gun on her. Wormy’s in the other room right now, and she is either building bookshelves or destroying my dining room table – I cannot tell from the sounds.
- I went to Dillard’s yesterday to try and find some “comfy” shoes because my podiatrist didn’t really approve of my footwear before he stuck a fucking HUGE needle into my toes and injected me full of steroids. The salesperson led me over to some hideous looking grandma shoes. I point at some sandals and ask, “Well, what about those?” since I could totally deal with sandals in the privacy of my office and my own home. “Oh yeah, those are comfy, too.” I’m staring at them, heart beating kind of rapidly and thinking to myself, “If I go down this road, I may as well start wearing coveralls and doing my own oil changes.” Once my stupid, fucked up right foot got in the shoe, though, I was like “Ahhhhh.” So I bought them but I didn’t wear them out of the store. And I refuse to wear them any place I may be recognized. Fugly but comfy as hell, and my foot is doing better after just two days. Why can’t cute be functional AND comfortable, too?
- Multi-tasking is NOT for me. I just tried to use the DVR remote to highlight part of this blog post.
- I cannot lift my left arms higher than a 40 degree angle. Next year, when I get my flu vaccine, I’m asking them to poke me in the ass. Or, hell, my FOOT. I certainly cannot fuck it up more than it is now!
- I totally do NOT get cats. Not only does she not listen to me, she is obstinate, impudent and I often wake up with Wormy Kitty sitting on my chest, both paws over my nose. And people wonder why I “can’t” sleep?
My cat does that whole paws over nose thing. She also likes to just take turns hitting me with them to see if she can wake me up. She is usually successful. This is why she is such a terrible roommate.
Also, the whole Muslim guy using Joel Osteen against you just cracks me up! Now I want a BLT!
Man, your convenience store guy sucks. Mine has a crush on me and gives me my 42 oz Diet Coke for free. (Yep. Totally bragging. Pathetic I know. Don’t judge me.)
My rats will pry your mouth open to see what’s in there. If you have alcohol on your breath, be ready for them to lick your teeth. Then steal your cocktail. Seriously.
Still think Wormy Kitty is that bad? LOL
Give up swine? I am sorry, my lord, but I would rather burn in hell for all eternity than do that. And you can tell Coffee Guy I said so . . .
He really is a sweet guy. But I guess not sweet enough, since I don’t get free drinks. It’s probably the shoes. I don’t care how cute you are, these monsters would fuglify anyone.
I’m in the process of lowering my cat’s expectation levels of my servitude. There are only so many looks of disdain I can take…
Dude. I’m an *almost* vegetarian – my terminology, just go with it. I have nothing against meat itself, I just don’t like it it. I’ll eat a little bit of chicken and definitely ALL the turkey on Thanksgiving. But one thing that I CAN NOT live without is my bacon. It is wonderful and magical and fantabulous.
You said it right there. Bacon is MAGICAL.