I had something here, something kinda fucking funny, then WordPress, in its infinite wisdom, totally blew it all out the door.  I even saved that shit, or so I thought.  If the rest of this sucks, thank WordPress for that.  Today wasn’t the day to fuck with my world, WP.  I hope you have rotten egg farts for the next five days.

I have been without secure internet access for the past several days because I was on an island somewhere in the Carribean and I couldn’t post lest someone hack my account and then you start getting blog posts about Uggs and cheap Gucci handbags and shit.

Okay, so I got back late Monday night and had to have some wine sippy cups to sleep, but yeah, I’ve been out of non-girlfriend commission for over a week.  Which sucks.  Only for me, though, since no internet access spared you from drunken ramblings about fish and fizzy gin drinks and reggae bands playing funked-up Adele songs in clubs where botulism was a possibility just from drinking the rum punch.  UGH.

Plus I needed a vacation from everything, since I’ve worked for at least one day, if not more, on every vacation I’ve taken for the past several years.  Even though I love you all, I kinda liked not having email access and knowing that my cell phone would barely work where I was and would block most of my calls.  Yippee.

Oh yeah.  And I “officially” quit smoking for the eighth time in my life.  Let’s cross our toes and hope it sticks.  I’m on day six and *surprisingly* not so bitchy.  Only because I’ve gotten my way in every interacting-with-other-humans situations so far.  God help us all if someone fucks up that winning streak, let me tell ya.

I’m f’ing DRAINED so I give you this, Shit We Said/Overheard/Made Up Because It Sounded Like Something That Needed To Be Said While We Were On Vacation:

• Fuck this shit, let’s go find some bacon!
• If he’d only marry the bitch and just do me on the side, I’d be happy.  Let her deal with his “inner child” issues.
• Every now and then, I shoplift something just to feel real again.  You know what I mean?  Holy hell, it’s only like a lip gloss or some shit, it’s not like I’m stealing the Hope Diamond.
• Bored Rich Bitch:  I’ve decided I’m only eating one kind of meat each week.  Week 1, turkey.  Week 2, chicken. Week 3, beef.  Week 4, lamb.  In the months that there are 5 weeks, I’m going Vegan on week number 5.  Husband With No Balls And No Clue:  Which week is Bacon Week?
• Skinny 20-Something Chick:  My boyfriend is such an asshole.  Friend # 1:  Nothing a lobotomy won’t fix.  Friend # 2:  Or a colonoscopy.
• Woman at bar:  Do I want another drink?  (louder) Do I want another drink?  Look who I’m stuck here with – I NEED another drink!

As usual with myself and the non-BF, we had a fabulous time.  I didn’t “need” to drink to hang with him, nor did I want him to have any medical procedures in order to tolerate him on vacation (or vice versa).  Day in and day out, normal everyday shit – I totally get where you might get on each others’ nerves sometimes, but for the sake of the baby Jesus and all that is holy, it’s your fucking vacation, people!  Can’t you all just get along?

Oh yeah, happy holiday, bitches!  Bring on the egg nog!