I started this last night, but fell asleep under a bunch of dogs and so now I have to change words and tenses and shit or else you will really think I’ve lost my mind. Honestly, if you haven’t already thought so, you’re way behind. Catch the hell up!
today’s yesterday’s Totally Random Tuesday with tomorrow’s today’s Wednesday’s Girl Whatever because I’m lazy as hell right now and also because tomorrow today will be such a whirlwind day that I doubt I’ll get to even eat lunch, unless I open up yet another fucking can of soup, which is about all I’ve been able to keep down for at least a week now. I am in a GREAT mood by the way. Ugh. (This part still applies. Ha.)
- I was waiting for a local shelter to open
yesterdaythis morning so I could adopt a dog I saw on Facebook last nighttwo nights ago and some bitch was there waiting to dump her dog. I had to sit on my hands to keep from punching her in the face.
- My new dog was “at an event” (WTF?), so I had to make the trip twice in one day. Worth it, though. He’s stuck to my side right now. And he reminds me of Mr. Swirly.
- “I’d like to buy a bowel.” No, really, I’d like to buy a new one. Mine suck.
- Went to do early voting at lunch
todayyesterday. While I was standing in line, one of the volunteers called the head volunteer over and they were trying to make this big dreadlock infested African American guy move out of the line. He was wearing an Obama t-shirt. The woman who noticed and tried to get him to step aside or put his shirt on inside out was also black. He starts yelling about white people keeping him down and leans over to tell his TODDLER, “This is RACISM, baby!” I’m thinking to myself, “No, this is not what you are allowed to do at voting locations, dumbfuck. Everyone knows that.” I was trying so hard not to laugh and really didn’t do a good job, but at least he was far away enough NOT to hear me because I believe he could have downed me with one smack to the head. And when he got done voting, he couldn’t wait until the parking lot to reverse his shirt, NO. He made all of us witness his rather large and protruding gut and nasty, stinky underarms. I swear, voting places are worse than the DMV. Justtook the New Dog out to pee last night because I don’t know yet if he really has to go or is just yanking my chain to get a treat. I heard what sounded like a Pissed Off Duck squawking in my backyard. It’s dark, so I’m walking around, looking for the source of the noise and find it’s just a Really Angry Squirrel sitting on an electrical wire. Fucker wouldn’t be quiet, either. (Guess I’m not the only one who is bitchy today.) I finally gave up on reasoning with it to shut the hell up and I went inside. Crazy thing was probably rabid and I’ll be damned if I end up in the news for something so stupid as having a rabid Really Angry Squirrel attack me like that woman in Florida who answered her front door and a got mugged by a raccoon.
- Wow, I’m worn out from writing that last bullet point. And my head now hurts.
- Stupid Wormy Kitty keeps jumping on my keyboard so every time I leave the room, I have to put my laptop to sleep after I save everything, or else the posts will end up looking like this: assssssssssssssssssssss8i85646541 and then the WIFI gets shut off and I call the ISP complaining that the internet is down and then they ask if I checked the WIFI button and I feel like the world’s biggest idiot and thank them for making me feel that way and go pour a gin & tonic and cry.
- My head hurts even worse now.
The other day, I told the non-BF that before I got my new car next year, I was having liposuction.
Me: I’m having it here. And here. And here, here, here. Oh, yeah, and HERE (grabbing whatever fat I could find).
The non-BF (without even giving me a glance): You don’t need liposuction.
Me: Oh, thank you, non-BF!
The non-BF: You just need to exercise.
Me: Oh, fuck you, non-BF!
Actually, I just sat there and thought of several mean things to say when…
The non-BF: Not that you are fat but isn’t that taking the easy way out?
Me: I can’t exercise. I have that Probably Broken Toe, you twit. Haven’t you seen me limping around for the past few months??
The non-BF: I just think you are overreacting.
By the way? Worst Possible Thing To Say To A Female.
So I ignored it, being the better person that I am.
Me: AND after I get all this shit SUCKED OUT OF MY BODY, I have heard that when you gain any “new” fat, it comes back in other places. I’m set! The only place the fat can come back is in my butt. Well, and my tits. Neither of which seems like a bad situation. Except maybe the boobs. I don’t want to start having backaches.
The non-BF: You forgot your calves.
Me: I’m so not going to gain weight in my calves.
The non-BF: You will have cankles. It will be awful.
Me: I will NOT!
The non-BF: They will be like tree trunks.
I love love love it when he is so supportive of me.
There is only one thing in the world I can find wrong with rescuing a dog or cat – it is not knowing what the HELL they went through in their little lives before you were blessed with them joining your life on this journey.
Over the years, I’ve had:
- Mommy issues
- Plastic bag issues
- Issues in general
- Being snarly anytime a prospective owner came to visit (both my dogs AND the fosters)
- Pissing on shit
- Pissing on ME
- Domination issues (in the form of humping whatever seemed to be in the lead for Alpha, including myself)
- Yelping for no reason
- And basically keeping my ass up 24/7
- P.S. All of the issues are nothing compared to the love of a rescued animal. Except for Wormy Kitty. Ungrateful bitch.
The best part of my day yesterday was when I scooped up a scared little boy and took him home. He’s already staking his claim around the house. I hope he likes it here.
P.S. Don’t get all up on my shit. The Wormy Kitty does seem a bit ungrateful, but I think I just don’t know Cat yet.