Wow, I’ve been MIA for a while.
- All over the fucking universe doing this wedding bullshit
- Forced to wear couture I would never, ever, NEVER wear
- Been coerced into conversations about bridal showers, weddings and (Oh my God, YES) honeymoons. Please shoot me now (or then would have been better)
- Made to test wedding cakes (and I hate cake)
Soooooo…now I am back. And testy. And bitchy. And bitter. Would you have me any other way?
Things I Said Or Overheard Or Just Wished I Said Because I Never Get The Opportunity To Be Clever In This Life:
- Me: I want a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s the least you can do for me before you put me through this crap. Her: OHMYGODNOIT’SMYDAYYOUAREABITCHHOWCOULDYOUASKFORTHAT??? Me: It’s not like I asked for your fucking kidney, slut.
- “Champagne for breakfast isn’t too much to ask, is it?” said the totally glam chick I soon had a girl crush for
- “But it’s Your Day!” If I hear this one more time while here on earth, I will spew pea soup and spin my head around like Linda Blair. Just warning.
- “Guess who is NEXT!!!!” (Bitch, cut out your tongue! I didn’t catch the bouquet. In fact, I fucking dodged it. Give it to your sister who keeps clipping shit from Bride magazine, would ya?)
Knowing now that I am in a relatively GOOD mood, let me ask you this: What is the worst bridal kinda crap you ever endured?