Wow, I’ve been MIA for a while.
I’ve been:
- All over the fucking universe doing this wedding bullshit
- Forced to wear couture I would never, ever, NEVER wear
- Been coerced into conversations about bridal showers, weddings and (Oh my God, YES) honeymoons. Please shoot me now (or then would have been better)
- Made to test wedding cakes (and I hate cake)
Soooooo…now I am back. And testy. And bitchy. And bitter. Would you have me any other way?
Things I Said Or Overheard Or Just Wished I Said Because I Never Get The Opportunity To Be Clever In This Life:
- Me: I want a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s the least you can do for me before you put me through this crap. Her: OHMYGODNOIT’SMYDAYYOUAREABITCHHOWCOULDYOUASKFORTHAT??? Me: It’s not like I asked for your fucking kidney, slut.
- “Champagne for breakfast isn’t too much to ask, is it?” said the totally glam chick I soon had a girl crush for
- “But it’s Your Day!” If I hear this one more time while here on earth, I will spew pea soup and spin my head around like Linda Blair. Just warning.
- “Guess who is NEXT!!!!” (Bitch, cut out your tongue! I didn’t catch the bouquet. In fact, I fucking dodged it. Give it to your sister who keeps clipping shit from Bride magazine, would ya?)
Knowing now that I am in a relatively GOOD mood, let me ask you this: What is the worst bridal kinda crap you ever endured?
HAhahaha, welcome back. I have never had any bridal nightmares, maybe because i am a DUDE. lol
Worst ever was being invited to the bridal shower of a coworker, who was the boss’ daughter, and who was marrying her babydaddy who had just been caught cheating on her and had violent fits of jealousy/anger. They were going through with the wedding anyway because her parents REALLY wanted her to get married, and “he really loves me, but is going through a phase.” We played silly shower games in between bouts of her crying. I was kind of a douche, and instead of getting her lingerie or girly shit, I bought her two books on communication and how to work through issues in a marriage.
Next time you are ordered to taste cake, send me in as your stunt double. I love cake.
I officially LOVE you for those books.
welcome back, just thankful you didn’t drink the Kool-Aid
When my sister got married, she had three bridesmaids: Me (in Wisconsin), her sister-in-law (in Minnesota), and her best friend (in California). Her best friend is totally svelte, but a lot taller than me and proportionately a larger size. The bridal shop shipped her my dress and shipped her dress to me. We didn’t realize this until the day of the wedding, when we realized why she was popping out of her dress. I was reduced to using carpet tape to keep the strapless dress from falling off my body. You don’t even want to know what happens when you take off a carpet-taped dress when you’re hammered.
And, oh yeah, I had heat stroke that afternoon, so I puked my way through the reception. Good times.
I have never had bad bridal crap happen to me…well with the exception of being a bride once. I’m happily divorced now. Being married is THE WORST EXPERIENCE YOU CAN ASK FOR.
The few times I have been in a wedding party were fairly uneventful. Once I was in a wedding that I was the only Caucasian person amongst a group of Filipino women. I was about a foot taller than everyone in the pictures. I’m sure the bride was thrilled to see that when the proofs came in.
Once I was the Maid of Dishonor. I say that because I had to give a toast. Public speaking terrifies me. So, prior to speaking I was at the bar….for about five double martini’s long. Before the clinking of the glasses to give my toast I could no longer see my well thought out and heartfelt speech I had written. It was now a blur. For some reason I continued to drink the wine and champagne in front of me too. I guess to steady my nerves (or by that time, it was probably more along the lines of “what the fuck. I’m hammered anyways). Needless to say, I don’t remember the speech. I was told I was funny and it was great. I received applause though, so I guess it couldn’t have been too bad. My keys were abruptly taken from me though.
Shockingly, I haven’t been asked to speak at any further weddings.
So glad to have you back! Worst comment ever? Is THAT what you are wearing to my wedding??? Why don’t you go buy me something to wear then dammit!
I’m just happy I’m not the only one with shitty wedding stories to tell (although I’m sorry you all went through it). Glad to be back. Gonna halfway try to promise to post more. Life is crazy right now but I miss this and I miss you all!