WTH is a “chicka cherry cola,” anyway? And why did we all just LOVE that song when it came out?
Confession: I still do. Feel free to judge me now.
Texting the non-BF, asking for money because I’m still fucking clueless about sticking to a budget.
Me: “Help me, I’m poor!” Can I borrow some money? (Translation: Will you GIVE me some money?)
The non-BF: Sure, what happened this time?
Me: Wormy Kitty knocked over that glass of wine on top of my iPhone, ‘member? And so I had to pay the $200 insurance to get a new one and blah blah blah (Translation: I totally went out of control at Ulta and now I have six different scents to wear and five new hair products, one of which has gone back because it sucks.)
The non-BF: Want to come get the cash?
Me: Nope, just PayPal me, please. Thankyouverymuchyouarealifesaver! Now I won’t overdraft! (Translation: Now I can buy some wine!)
It’s not that I don’t make a good living – I just have this shopping, um, PROBLEM. I even gave him all my credit cards to be a good girl. (Note: If you have to say “all my credit cards,” you probably have too many.)
The non-BF: Goods? Or Services? Hee! I’m choosing “Services”!
Me: Can you put a memo in there? That would be so funny if you could! “Thanks for last night!” Hee!
Ding – you’ve got mail! “The non-BF sent you $.”
So I go to transfer it to my bank account and…”This may take 3-4 days, depending upon your bank.” Well, just FUCK.
Me: That was totally a waste of time.
The non-BF: Why?
Me: Takes bank 3-4 days to transfer the money. PayPal can suck my left one!
The non-BF: Get it the old fashioned way – come by. I left it out for you.
Me: You are the nicest non-BF!
Fast-forward 20 minutes, and I’m working on something when I get another text…
The non-BF: When you stop by for the money, can you bring the step stool? And my shirt? That could be your “services” – hahaha.
The non-BF: Don’t do it if the step stool is too heavy.
Me: It is light. One hand job.
The non-BF: The services will be one hand job?
I totally walked into that one.
Another completely different text conversation today. We are talking about dinner plans for Thursday night.
The non-BF: Okay so 7:00 for dinner?
Me: Yeah. You picking me up?
The non-BF: Yep, I will pick you up although you realize I can walk to the restaurant now. (He just moved)
Me: Yeah, but it is last Bad Day so I want a cocktail. Austerity Campaign starts tomorrow.
The non-BF: Lord, every day is last bad day…it’s like a drinking Groundhog Day!
The non-BF: I hope you shot milk out of your nose on that one.
Me: Nope. Vodka.